Time and Control

Well I have say that I have somewhat neglected myself prescribed treatment for my tendency to not tell the truth. It honestly has to do with the madness that has been my life for the past few weeks but…. I am back!

Have you ever found yourself rushing and rushing to get a ton of stuff done and you do this rushing because you somehow think that the extra time will be what deposited in your time bank? I am CONSTANTLY in a rush. That’s why I forget things, details, important information because I am always in a hurry to get to the next part and then to the next part. I have this insatiable appetite for storing up time even though it doesn’t happen. I am always so worried about what is happening next that I rarely get to enjoy what is happening now! And if something were to go off schedule and alter the time saving schedule well then the entire day is ruined. What is funny now is that I can see myself doing this. I can say “Shannon it doesn’t really matter if you are 30 minutes late to a birthday party because something happened”. I honestly know that it is crazy, I just can’t control it. This complied with my need to control how things go leads to quite the synergistic effect. I know think about this like a hurricane and earthquake happening in the same place and at the same time. There is no hope. Then for some reason it gets worse in warmer weather. It is almost like little balls of matter that when heated up move a billion times fast. I just see myself ping ponging around randomly and out of control. This is ironic for someone that tries to control herself so rigidly and probably adds to the storm so to speak. Many days of both my life and of other individuals, I have ruined because I can’t seem to keep blue skies. I honestly try but when I am stressed out and something goes wrong well I just let loose and watch out because it is never pretty. These are the days when, and I know that this is overplayed, but I see red. I hear and see myself but it is like a video game that I have no control over and no matter what I do I can’t stop. Sometimes I would like to think that my lack of control at these points is my body’s way of protecting itself so we (mean my body and mind) don’t get sick again. And I am sure that my unpredictable conditions are not easily tolerated. Although, I sort of let out my not so pleasant side in little bits to the majority of people only a select few have gotten the esteemed privilege to see me on a genuine bad day. I have often wondered how anyone could love someone who can destroy so much so fast. I just see it as an improbability. I let off this storm and then look around to survey the damage that I have caused. These outbursts seem to hurt the ones most that are closest to the blast. Basically I hurt the people that I supposedly love the most.

Relationships and Conclusions

I know there is always the “straw that finally broke the camel’s back” but lately I have asked myself why am I always willing to put up with more than someone else? As I stated in my other blog I am currently on a quest to better me and this brings me to what if I have really been that bad?! What if what I think is putting up with more is actually not the way it really is. I swear that that silly book Mistakes Were Made Here but Not by Me screws with me. That author would say that I make myself feel better in order to maintain myself image about the kind of person I am in a relationship.

 I have started reading Eat Pray Love this last week and reading about her troubled relationships I started thinking about my own relationship past. I really don’t have a ton of history but I have had my share of turbulent relationships. I think that over the years I have always struggled with relationship’s conclusions. I use the word conclusion loosely because no one can predict the future. But there seems to be some underlying pattern of the conclusion; as if they were all written by the same writer. Oh wait they were, me. The theme always seems to involve the smallest things that turn into huge things. I have previously explained that I am not so good at saying when something really bothers me. I hate to have people that I love angry at me. So I do whatever I have to do in order to avoid that and in doing so I seem to keep myself in a constant state of hostility. And trying to cage my own personal Kraken of anger takes up so much of me I neglect everything and everyone. I realize this Kraken, now that I have slightly reduced his size, is what makes me be the person I don’t want to be. It is hard to laugh, live, and love ( I know it is cheesy, that is me J ) when you are a crazy angry. I know that I only have me to blame for this. And I really want to get to the point where I am just me. Not me + the Kraken.

Conclusions also involve admitting when you are wrong. I really don’t like admitting when I am wrong or at fault. But I know that also plays into the need to be perfect. It’s funny though because the last few weeks I have been trying to let myself be wrong and it really isn’t as bad as I thought. However I don’t want to turn into a “sorry” machine. Anyone that knows me knows that I frequently say that “nothing is 100% one person’s fault”. I still believe that. I am pretty sure that most of the time it is split right down the middle with just a few variations. In the conclusion of a relationship there are always lines drawn about who did what to whom. I think that this is where my individual issues play into the problem. My stubbornness and need to be perfect lead me to never want to admit wrong doing. Even though I am working on it, I still struggle sometimes to see my own wrong doing. I think that seeing the error is one’s ways before it happens requires a crystal ball which I do not have. And there, unfortunately, is not always a formula to repair the bridges that have been burnt. And sometimes I get sick from agonizing over what I could have done different. But Richard from Texas, from Eat Pray Love, has a solution that I am trying. “Love/Miss them; send then light and love each time you think of them and that’s it”. It seems simple enough. I have tried to use this when I have a fond memory triggered that in turn makes me sad. I do feel like after a conclusion I have lost the right to talk about that person or like a part of me has been taken away. But when you clear a room you get to rearrange and hopefully learn something from the experience.

DISCLAIMER

I will never discuss anyone specifically or any specific incident. I will be speaking generally and mostly about myself. I am doing this to somewhat document how I feel and see if I cant make some changes. Please do not take offense to anything that I say. This is not to start disagreement or fights. I am posting this to get my thoughts out there. I guess posting how I really feel is a part of changing me....because I would not normally show that particular part of myself. I welcome comments but dont intend to answer comments that are argumentative. Thank you for caring to read.

Shannon

Facing the truth: I lie to try and be perfect

I have to say that the year has been somewhat daughting. I have several momentous things happen. I think that the last year has forced me to realize who I am. I have always considered myself an honest person. I felt like I do right most of the time.  Then I read this book for school about being wrong. It talked about how everyone is wrong WAY more than they are right and how we as humans rationalize right and wrong to ourselves to benefit ourselves. Now I read this book over three months ago but you know how hard headed I am so it has taken sometime and a few hard lessons for me to realize the meaning that it hold specifically for me.

It is a running joke that my face is a terrible liar but I might be the biggest liar I know. Now this maybe a shock, or hell it may not be. I think that it is part of my person to want to please people, to want to be perfect, and to want to not rock the boat. Keeping this balance has made me a master of lying.

I lie to everyone, my family, friends, and most of all to me. I try keep this perfect image a float all the time never knowing that is the reason I feel so alone. All people know about me is what I let them know. I have built up years of dishonesty around me. I am not sure when I started doing this and I am sure that if I laid on  a couch somewhere and told that person the truth that there would be some explanation as to why I am this way. I hate disappointing people. I hate saying no. I hate people being mad at me. It makes me sick to my stomach And I would like to say that it is all harmless BS but it isn’t.

 I have burned a lot of bridges because I was too scared to just say what I really wanted to for whatever reason. I lie to not hurt people’s feelings. I lie to avoid conflict. I lie to make my imperfections look better. I lie to make my mistakes “go away”. All the while not realizing that the lying is why I am so angry with myself. I say I am honest but I am not. Not at all.

The people that have known me best in my life have always seen through it. I never got it until today. I was driving and started thinking about lying and that damn book. All of sudden it all went crystal clear. I lie and about tons of things. I wonder sometimes if that is why I feel like someone else is in charge and that I am never really living. Because there is nothing about lying that is living. I spent a long time not seeing. It sounds stupid but in Avatar they talk about “seeing you” I am not sure if I have seen myself in a long time.

Looking now, I am not the person that I want to be. Not even close. I let myself start to think that I did not have to answer for what I do. When as my mom always has said there are consequences for everything. Even if no one else knows I do. And that is where the problem is. I have all this guilt for things that I should have said and haven’t and for things that I did say and shouldn’t have. I let myself think that because I might not reach a goal or expectation that I should stop reaching. Which is hilarious I have spent my whole life trying to reach and obtain but I have made that a goal outside of me and not inside.

I have this drive to be perfect and no cost and for everyone around me to believe that also. This can be why I am wond so tight that if one thing goes differently than planned I can’t recover. That would be why I feel dissatisfied because nothing ever goes as planned. You think that by 27 I would know that I don’t control the universe. But I don’t. I think that I can make it do whatever I want.