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Monday, May 23, 2011

Time and Control

Well I have say that I have somewhat neglected myself prescribed treatment for my tendency to not tell the truth. It honestly has to do with the madness that has been my life for the past few weeks but…. I am back!
Have you ever found yourself rushing and rushing to get a ton of stuff done and you do this rushing because you somehow think that the extra time will be what deposited in your time bank? I am CONSTANTLY in a rush. That’s why I forget things, details, important information because I am always in a hurry to get to the next part and then to the next part. I have this insatiable appetite for storing up time even though it doesn’t happen. I am always so worried about what is happening next that I rarely get to enjoy what is happening now! And if something were to go off schedule and alter the time saving schedule well then the entire day is ruined. What is funny now is that I can see myself doing this. I can say “Shannon it doesn’t really matter if you are 30 minutes late to a birthday party because something happened”. I honestly know that it is crazy, I just can’t control it. This complied with my need to control how things go leads to quite the synergistic effect. I know think about this like a hurricane and earthquake happening in the same place and at the same time. There is no hope. Then for some reason it gets worse in warmer weather. It is almost like little balls of matter that when heated up move a billion times fast. I just see myself ping ponging around randomly and out of control. This is ironic for someone that tries to control herself so rigidly and probably adds to the storm so to speak. Many days of both my life and of other individuals, I have ruined because I can’t seem to keep blue skies. I honestly try but when I am stressed out and something goes wrong well I just let loose and watch out because it is never pretty. These are the days when, and I know that this is overplayed, but I see red. I hear and see myself but it is like a video game that I have no control over and no matter what I do I can’t stop. Sometimes I would like to think that my lack of control at these points is my body’s way of protecting itself so we (mean my body and mind) don’t get sick again. And I am sure that my unpredictable conditions are not easily tolerated. Although, I sort of let out my not so pleasant side in little bits to the majority of people only a select few have gotten the esteemed privilege to see me on a genuine bad day. I have often wondered how anyone could love someone who can destroy so much so fast. I just see it as an improbability. I let off this storm and then look around to survey the damage that I have caused. These outbursts seem to hurt the ones most that are closest to the blast. Basically I hurt the people that I supposedly love the most.