I have to say that the year has been somewhat daughting. I have several momentous things happen. I think that the last year has forced me to realize who I am. I have always considered myself an honest person. I felt like I do right most of the time. Then I read this book for school about being wrong. It talked about how everyone is wrong WAY more than they are right and how we as humans rationalize right and wrong to ourselves to benefit ourselves. Now I read this book over three months ago but you know how hard headed I am so it has taken sometime and a few hard lessons for me to realize the meaning that it hold specifically for me.
It is a running joke that my face is a terrible liar but I might be the biggest liar I know. Now this maybe a shock, or hell it may not be. I think that it is part of my person to want to please people, to want to be perfect, and to want to not rock the boat. Keeping this balance has made me a master of lying.
I lie to everyone, my family, friends, and most of all to me. I try keep this perfect image a float all the time never knowing that is the reason I feel so alone. All people know about me is what I let them know. I have built up years of dishonesty around me. I am not sure when I started doing this and I am sure that if I laid on a couch somewhere and told that person the truth that there would be some explanation as to why I am this way. I hate disappointing people. I hate saying no. I hate people being mad at me. It makes me sick to my stomach And I would like to say that it is all harmless BS but it isn’t.
I have burned a lot of bridges because I was too scared to just say what I really wanted to for whatever reason. I lie to not hurt people’s feelings. I lie to avoid conflict. I lie to make my imperfections look better. I lie to make my mistakes “go away”. All the while not realizing that the lying is why I am so angry with myself. I say I am honest but I am not. Not at all.
The people that have known me best in my life have always seen through it. I never got it until today. I was driving and started thinking about lying and that damn book. All of sudden it all went crystal clear. I lie and about tons of things. I wonder sometimes if that is why I feel like someone else is in charge and that I am never really living. Because there is nothing about lying that is living. I spent a long time not seeing. It sounds stupid but in Avatar they talk about “seeing you” I am not sure if I have seen myself in a long time.
Looking now, I am not the person that I want to be. Not even close. I let myself start to think that I did not have to answer for what I do. When as my mom always has said there are consequences for everything. Even if no one else knows I do. And that is where the problem is. I have all this guilt for things that I should have said and haven’t and for things that I did say and shouldn’t have. I let myself think that because I might not reach a goal or expectation that I should stop reaching. Which is hilarious I have spent my whole life trying to reach and obtain but I have made that a goal outside of me and not inside.
I have this drive to be perfect and no cost and for everyone around me to believe that also. This can be why I am wond so tight that if one thing goes differently than planned I can’t recover. That would be why I feel dissatisfied because nothing ever goes as planned. You think that by 27 I would know that I don’t control the universe. But I don’t. I think that I can make it do whatever I want.