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Sunday, April 17, 2011

Facing the truth: I lie to try and be perfect

I have to say that the year has been somewhat daughting. I have several momentous things happen. I think that the last year has forced me to realize who I am. I have always considered myself an honest person. I felt like I do right most of the time.  Then I read this book for school about being wrong. It talked about how everyone is wrong WAY more than they are right and how we as humans rationalize right and wrong to ourselves to benefit ourselves. Now I read this book over three months ago but you know how hard headed I am so it has taken sometime and a few hard lessons for me to realize the meaning that it hold specifically for me.
It is a running joke that my face is a terrible liar but I might be the biggest liar I know. Now this maybe a shock, or hell it may not be. I think that it is part of my person to want to please people, to want to be perfect, and to want to not rock the boat. Keeping this balance has made me a master of lying.
I lie to everyone, my family, friends, and most of all to me. I try keep this perfect image a float all the time never knowing that is the reason I feel so alone. All people know about me is what I let them know. I have built up years of dishonesty around me. I am not sure when I started doing this and I am sure that if I laid on  a couch somewhere and told that person the truth that there would be some explanation as to why I am this way. I hate disappointing people. I hate saying no. I hate people being mad at me. It makes me sick to my stomach And I would like to say that it is all harmless BS but it isn’t.
 I have burned a lot of bridges because I was too scared to just say what I really wanted to for whatever reason. I lie to not hurt people’s feelings. I lie to avoid conflict. I lie to make my imperfections look better. I lie to make my mistakes “go away”. All the while not realizing that the lying is why I am so angry with myself. I say I am honest but I am not. Not at all.
The people that have known me best in my life have always seen through it. I never got it until today. I was driving and started thinking about lying and that damn book. All of sudden it all went crystal clear. I lie and about tons of things. I wonder sometimes if that is why I feel like someone else is in charge and that I am never really living. Because there is nothing about lying that is living. I spent a long time not seeing. It sounds stupid but in Avatar they talk about “seeing you” I am not sure if I have seen myself in a long time.
Looking now, I am not the person that I want to be. Not even close. I let myself start to think that I did not have to answer for what I do. When as my mom always has said there are consequences for everything. Even if no one else knows I do. And that is where the problem is. I have all this guilt for things that I should have said and haven’t and for things that I did say and shouldn’t have. I let myself think that because I might not reach a goal or expectation that I should stop reaching. Which is hilarious I have spent my whole life trying to reach and obtain but I have made that a goal outside of me and not inside.
I have this drive to be perfect and no cost and for everyone around me to believe that also. This can be why I am wond so tight that if one thing goes differently than planned I can’t recover. That would be why I feel dissatisfied because nothing ever goes as planned. You think that by 27 I would know that I don’t control the universe. But I don’t. I think that I can make it do whatever I want.

8 comments:

  1. I think that we all have our traits that we would rather forget about. Most people wouldn't have the courage to address theirs or admit to it. I admire your honesty Shannon!

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  2. Thank you Megan. I am not sure how you do it but you always manage to send encouraging energy my way thank you!

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  3. I believe that we will all lie for the rest of our lives.... I guess it just depends on what the lie is and who it is to that really matters... who you have hurt and who are still hurting... And it may be possible, that as much as you want to quit lying, maybe you still haven't... maybe you coming to all these realizations have made you convince yourself that you are no longer a liar or that you are going to stop lying, but who is to say that you aren't still lying?? Only those who can see past your lies, and you, are the only ones that will ever know the truth I guess...

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  4. I have to say that I agree that just because I have realized that I do this doesnt mean that I am instantly cured. Or that I will ever stop lying because I am not sure that is possible. But by seeing this in myself I am atleast aware of it and willing to atleast try and change. I know that I have hurt people by not telling the truth and that is one of my main motivators for the change. I have never had the intent to hurt people. In fact that is part of the reason that I lie. I hate hurting people's feelings but I have come to realize that in the long run being dishonest causes more damage. Recently I was in a situation where normally I would have made something up but I chose to be honest and in the long run I see the benefits. And as for seeing past the lies and me I really dont know what to say in response to that. I just know that I am lucky that even though I dont always doing things right that those who know me best stick around and have my back.
    I am trying to say what I mean and mean what I say. Hopefully the effort will make up for the damage I have done.

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  5. i think that if u can relize things about yourself and lying about certain things is one of them that is a great thing,we all grow as people some more than others,and if the anonymous person really new u they would say there name and be a real friend and not a phony,shan i give u props for relizing some faults we both know i am not perfect but in the end i know we both have each other best interests at heart even if we dont always agree.

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  6. It is great that you have finally realized this and are ready to deal with it. It takes courage to write something like this, especially where others are able to read it. I say that you have completed step one, admitting and knowing. Are you ready to work on the rest of the steps? Do you believe that you can change? I believe that you can. I believe that we all say things and do things that we later regret but also believe that regret does not control our lives. We may not always be able to fix the past but we can always make the future better.

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  7. In response to the person that said I was phony, I think that this is about the blogger and not myself.... it is not that I am hiding anything.... I just see no real reason for it.... to be honest... I think everyone that comments should be anonymous so that the truth comes out of us all. Its easier to say things that are on our minds when we do not have a face, name or personaltiy that we expect to go along with the comment. I think that some may comment and say things with their names posted for "brownie points".... Im not into that. I do not need brownie points or to be discredited as someone who is a phony. Stick to the subject and point at hand instead of trying to call people out in an open conversation type blog about the blogger and only the blogger. In other words....YOU, Erik, have no right to call anyone out until you have had the chance to reflect on urself and ur own faults that have to do with the real world and real problems... thank you... now can we be done trying to put each other down and talking about ourselves??

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  8. I think this blog is great! I am unsure how to post anonymously but I am going to be honest either way. Realizing that you have traits similar to the people you hate the most is not easy!! You tell yourself that you are NEVER going to be like them and some how we all find ourselves doing those very things! No one is perfect and the first step to changing the things you do not like about yourself is accepting that you did do those things you swore you never would and you hurt the people you swore you never would. Your blog is brave Shannon and I respect that you are willing to vocalize what flaws you have. yes, you do have to make good on the flaws you have admitted, but the people who love you will always be willing to support you through those changes! Do not let the indirect digs and comments from people on here and in real life influence the changes you are making. You are great and don't let anyone sway that opinion of yourself!! Heffie

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