I know there is always the “straw that finally broke the camel’s back” but lately I have asked myself why am I always willing to put up with more than someone else? As I stated in my other blog I am currently on a quest to better me and this brings me to what if I have really been that bad?! What if what I think is putting up with more is actually not the way it really is. I swear that that silly book Mistakes Were Made Here but Not by Me screws with me. That author would say that I make myself feel better in order to maintain myself image about the kind of person I am in a relationship.
I have started reading Eat Pray Love this last week and reading about her troubled relationships I started thinking about my own relationship past. I really don’t have a ton of history but I have had my share of turbulent relationships. I think that over the years I have always struggled with relationship’s conclusions. I use the word conclusion loosely because no one can predict the future. But there seems to be some underlying pattern of the conclusion; as if they were all written by the same writer. Oh wait they were, me. The theme always seems to involve the smallest things that turn into huge things. I have previously explained that I am not so good at saying when something really bothers me. I hate to have people that I love angry at me. So I do whatever I have to do in order to avoid that and in doing so I seem to keep myself in a constant state of hostility. And trying to cage my own personal Kraken of anger takes up so much of me I neglect everything and everyone. I realize this Kraken, now that I have slightly reduced his size, is what makes me be the person I don’t want to be. It is hard to laugh, live, and love ( I know it is cheesy, that is me J ) when you are a crazy angry. I know that I only have me to blame for this. And I really want to get to the point where I am just me. Not me + the Kraken.
Conclusions also involve admitting when you are wrong. I really don’t like admitting when I am wrong or at fault. But I know that also plays into the need to be perfect. It’s funny though because the last few weeks I have been trying to let myself be wrong and it really isn’t as bad as I thought. However I don’t want to turn into a “sorry” machine. Anyone that knows me knows that I frequently say that “nothing is 100% one person’s fault”. I still believe that. I am pretty sure that most of the time it is split right down the middle with just a few variations. In the conclusion of a relationship there are always lines drawn about who did what to whom. I think that this is where my individual issues play into the problem. My stubbornness and need to be perfect lead me to never want to admit wrong doing. Even though I am working on it, I still struggle sometimes to see my own wrong doing. I think that seeing the error is one’s ways before it happens requires a crystal ball which I do not have. And there, unfortunately, is not always a formula to repair the bridges that have been burnt. And sometimes I get sick from agonizing over what I could have done different. But Richard from Texas, from Eat Pray Love, has a solution that I am trying. “Love/Miss them; send then light and love each time you think of them and that’s it”. It seems simple enough. I have tried to use this when I have a fond memory triggered that in turn makes me sad. I do feel like after a conclusion I have lost the right to talk about that person or like a part of me has been taken away. But when you clear a room you get to rearrange and hopefully learn something from the experience.