I sit here in my too big pjs staring at Microsoft word hoping that the answers to my life’s problems will just start appearing as I type on my laptop. I try to focus on which one I want this blog to be about but honestly I can even manage a single thought at one time. My head runs constantly now. Like a ticker tape at the bottom of the screen of the news channel. Always overloading the system and causing feelings of chaos. This pulls up the memory of a scene from Eat Pray Love when Richard from Texas tells her that you have to select your thought like you do your clothes every day. Or of the really fancy preacher who is on every Sunday that says "just change the channel" if you dont like what you are thinking about. That you have to not allow those thoughts to enter your mind.
For someone that lives on control you think that this would be the first place I have control but honestly it seems to be the only place that I can’t manage to gain any control whatsoever. Sometimes I go to bed so sure that I have good ideas and plans and when I wake up it all goes to hell. I was going to go to the gym this morning but….I was going to not eat that but for some reason I am not able to just walk away. In my head the reasonable want to be beautiful Shannon is screaming STOP PLEASE DON’T DO IT…..and out of control Shannon does it anyway. Why do I do things to myself to make me hate myself? It seems like I work really hard to keep this cycle of self hatred rolling. How do you break a cycle that you have learned to run without even thinking about it? Think right?! Well I do that PLENTY. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be free of this burden. I wonder if I could ever turn my negative to a positive, my problems to solutions, and my thinking from self loathing to self love. How do you one day look in the mirror and decide that you like what and who you see? I hope that by using this blog and an A+ effort that I will be able to at least make a step in the right direction.