The last time I used this medium it really helped me thru a tough time......
Well I find myself in yet another rough patch and decided to give it a try again; my current delemma has to do with how I am percieved and how I want to be. It comes up a lot with everyone from patients to my closest friends that I am not always a nice person. And sometimes I have to admit I know that I lash out but for the amount of times it is actually brought up I cant account for.
I had a patient ask me this morning if I hated him. Honestly I dont. I just get so caught up in everything that I forget that there is a person with feeling on the other end of my verbal lashings. Which is ironic because I use to lie to protect peoples feelings and now it seems I have went to the other end of the spectrum where I dont care.
Caring maybe the very source of the change when I think about it. I have been in a state of "frozeness" if you will. That comes from being in a situation where my feelings didnt matter. Now that that has changed I feel like my whole person is being altered. The changes are similar to icebergs shifting over rocky lands turning them flat. The aftermath of it is so different from what it was before that sometimes it feels unrecognizable; And that is how I feel sometimes. Like I dont know my own feelings. However it is a fresh start and like dethawing anything it is painful.
This pain is what I think I lead with. The pain of how I got to this point and the pain of leaving it.
My dilemma now is to deal with the pain and to use my fresh start to change what I want changed. I want to be a friendlier person that people enjoy talking to and being around to and that they do not fear like some evil queen. I wish this process were painless but that is a frivolous waste of a wish.