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Sunday, September 16, 2012

Two years later and still a list of problems....

The last time I used this medium it really helped me thru a tough time......

Well I find myself in yet another rough patch and decided to give it a try again; my current delemma has to do with how I am percieved and how I want to be. It comes up a lot with everyone from patients to my closest friends that I am not always a nice person. And sometimes I have to admit I know that I lash out but for the amount of times it is actually brought up I cant account for.

I had a patient ask me this morning if I hated him. Honestly I dont. I just get so caught up in everything that I forget that there is a person with feeling on the other end of my verbal lashings. Which is ironic because I use to lie to protect peoples feelings and now it seems I have went to the other end of the spectrum where I dont care.

Caring maybe the very source of the change when I think about it. I have been in a state of "frozeness" if you will. That comes from being in a situation where my feelings didnt matter. Now that that has changed I feel like my whole person is being altered. The changes are similar to icebergs shifting over rocky lands turning them flat. The aftermath of it is so different from what it was before that sometimes it feels unrecognizable; And that is how I feel sometimes. Like I dont know my own feelings. However it is a fresh start and like dethawing anything it is painful.

This pain is what I think I lead with. The pain of how I got to this point and the pain of leaving it.

My dilemma now is to deal with the pain and to use my fresh start to change what I want changed. I want to be a friendlier person that people enjoy talking to and being around to and that they do not fear like some evil queen. I wish this process were painless but that is a frivolous waste of a wish.

2 comments:

  1. I always say outside counseling can't hurt!!! When I read "A Man" I just felt alittle selfishness from you. Do you HONESTLY ever wonder about the man? What does he want....how does he feel....what you can do to make him feel wanted....what your going to do to "be there for him"...are you going to wipe his tears when he silently cries...are you going to tell him he's a wonderful caring person.....and you'll be there for him when he's feeling low? It's just that, when you write stuff like that you need to reverse it at the same time and ask YOURSELF the same thing. In other words, are you willing to do ALL the things you want done for you!!!

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  2. I reread what was there after reading your post and honestly i dont get selfish; I didnt say that this is to sum up a relationship or that I am unwilling to anything for the "man" in question; Since I am divorced I feel like I have a pretty good understanding that any relationship is about compromise or balance; that is the lesson that I took from my first failed marriage; and I am not perfect or even close but if you have a good idea of what you want and expect from a partner I feel like it is easier to communicate and to find a person that wants to fill those shoes; and likewise I would want to be what someone else wanted; I guess I could write a response called "Being a Perfect Woman" or "being what a man wants"; And most of the things on that list so to speak are what make up a good relationship period; Honesty, unconditional love, support, kindess, acceptance......so I guess I could say that of course I would be willing to do those things. But I also wouldnt presume to tell someone else what they wanted based off what I want in a partner; that to me seems selfish

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